Mental Health Hotline Number

If you are obsessive Compulsive press 1 repeatidly

If you are codependent ask someone to press 2 for you

If you have multiple personalities press 3456

If you are paranoid we know what you are and what you want, stay on the line and we’ll trace your call

If you are delusional press 7 and your call will be transferred to the “Mother Ship”

If you are schizophrenic listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press

If you are depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer you

If you are dyslexic press 69696969

If you have a nervous disorder please fidget with the hash key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later, and if you have low self-esteem hang up all our operators are too busy to talk to you.